On May 29 at 9:40pm we welcomed our sweet angel into the world. “Baby Brother” was born at 3in long and weighed 8 grams. Such a teeny tiny precious soul that has left BIG footprints on our hearts.
His birth story is very different than those of his big brothers but I want to share it in the same way so we can celebrate his life.
At our routine 14 week check up, me and the boys went to see how baby boy was growing. We were looking forward to hearing his little heart beat (I hadn’t been able to find it at home so was hoping the dr could) and possibly see him on the ultrasound.
Like this mama worried, they couldn’t find a heartbeat. But since I was still early, we went to do the ultrasound. I immediately saw him laying there peacefully and my mama heart knew. 💔
A missed miscarriage: where the baby stops growing but your body doesn’t recognize the loss so you have no symptoms of miscarriage.
Our little guy was measuring just 12 weeks which means at some point he stopped growing and eventually his heart stopped….
His heart stopped and my heart was BROKEN.
I called my husband, then my mom, and texted a few others to let them know what had happened.
Ill never forget texting the group text with my sisters and mom. “He has no heartbeat. This sucks.”
Once my mom got to the office to take the boys, I waited for my husband. I was shocked but I had also somewhat anticipated it.
Even with the anticipation though, it didn’t make it any easier.
So after getting the boys situated with family, Jacob and I met with the doctor we could make a plan. We set a time to start the labor and delivery of our son.
At 4pm we drove to maternity admitting at our hospital to be induced. A place I’d been twice before with big ole bellies. But this time I barely looked pregnant, and knew I still had to deliver my sweet boy.
We got the medication around 5:20pm. And then we waited. With Jacob and my mom by my side, we waited. We waited for my body to do the hardest thing it was ever going to have to do: deliver my sleeping baby boy, at 14 weeks old.
As the hours went by, I was in no physical pain but could definitely tell as things were happening. My waters broke (which I wasn’t expecting) and I knew it wouldn’t be long until he made his arrival.
Not long after, it was time. I went to the bathroom having this weird feeling. And sure enough, I felt him “fall” into place. And that moment, the moment where he was born, was the hardest, most heartbreaking, but most beautiful moment I’ve ever experienced.
I looked down and saw him sleeping with his sweet arms up by his head, just like his big brother Cas sleeps. The nurse helped him out the rest of the way and our lives changed forever.
We were SO SO SO blessed to have hours holding this sweet, perfect baby boy.
- 10 fingers.
- 10 toes.
- Little ribs.
- The sweetest belly.
- Eyes, mouth, brain.
It was all there. (A little alien-like of course)
He was perfect. Tiny but perfect.
And for some reason we will never know, his perfect little soul was meant to meet us early, forever impact our hearts, and then spend the rest of his time in heaven watching over his big brothers.
My experience having a miscarriage was truly beautiful. My expectations were very different than the reality of what I experienced.
I had no physical pain during the process. The induction medication made my body do what it needed to do and it did it with ease. It was challenging emotionally but physically, it was a breeze.
The nursing staff were absolutely incredible, kind, and compassionate. They celebrated our sweet boy and mourned our loss with us.
Our doctor was understanding of my wishes and let me do it all as much as I could, without surgery.
However, at 3am the next day, I did have a d&c to finish the delivery of the placenta. It was a quick and easy procedure and I’m happy that all of that was done.
As we sit at home recovering, all I think about it that moment he was born and that perfect little life gone too soon. I sit here with his two big brothers who love him so so so much. I sit here knowing that baby brother will forever be remembered and loved and is in the arms of so many beautiful people in heaven. Heck, I’m sure he had a parade of people waiting to hold him in their arms. And I know one very special person, my Grandma Moe, was the first to scoop him up. 💜
I’m not sure where our story will go from here. But what I do know is that even with this unexpected pregnancy and unexpected miscarriage, our sweet son has forever changed our lives and for that, I am so blessed and SO grateful.
God is good.
Being a mom to my earth side babies and now my angel baby is the greatest gift and most beautiful blessing I could ever ask for.
I know I’m not alone to experience loss. And I’ve been blessed to have friends and family members share their stories as I go through this. 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage, still birth or infant loss – and that’s just pregnancies that are known.
After having two healthy pregnancies, I never thought I would experience this but my gut, from day 1, told me this pregnancy would be different.
To all those who have or are experience a miscarriage, know that you are not alone. And know that all our babies are watching down on us, knowing that we love them so very, very much.